Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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