I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
