So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
