So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
