Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
