I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
