Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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