did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
