mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
