Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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