the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
