Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Randomize
