you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
