All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
