Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
