I think im going to throw up on grandma
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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