Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
