Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
