Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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