I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
