you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
