I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
