ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
