the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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