my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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