did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
