I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
