When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
