why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
