i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
