On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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