Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
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