You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
ttyl tear gas
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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