Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
