at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
