he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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