New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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