I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
The maid of honor just puked.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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