So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
