literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
