Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
