Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
