I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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