Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
