I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
How does one acquire holy water?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
