I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
