My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
