Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
