you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
