if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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