I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
