watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
