He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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